Kriss’ Journal

Isn’t it supposed to be summer?

I am only asking.  Here in WA state I am used to rain. I like the rain. I hate the heat. Seriously. But……just for my daughter’s sake and that pool in my backyard…….couldn’t we stand just a bit of sun?

I swear I am sitting here just watching the grass grow.  Just can’t wait until it’s time to mow again.  Yeah…

Why is it that when I was a kid, I mowed the lawn and now that I am a mom I am still mowing the lawn? Something just isn’t right…..

Well, well…

After the scare of my husband’s “stroke or not stroke we don’t know what the hell it was so sorry moment” I went to my dr. Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t stressed. Other than the famous baby moments previously mentioned. That granddaughter of mine is pure bliss. But one can’t rely on baby visits to be happy.

So anyways. Surprise. Paxil. Anti-depressants. Bloodwork to check my hormone levels. Yep.

Don’t get me wrong. I was on welbutrin many moons ago so been there, done that. But I don’t know….maybe I am meant to be lonely, live like a hermit and seclude myself more and more. Works for my dad, doesn’t it?

Just rambling. It’s late and I have my usual bout of insomnia. My husband is getting up at 5 a.m. to leave for a few days. Montana beckons in the name of a funeral. 5 years older than us. Eric was a survivor of cancer and goes in for a surgery and his heart gives out.  My husband and Eric’s buddies are driving in a couple of vans to pay their respects.

Garage Sales

Shhhh…… Don’t tell anyone but I hate them. I do.

I go to get my kids some things. This Saturday we bought my granddaughter a play house. One of those who-knows-what-maybe-Little-Tykes things….for fifty bucks!

BUT. I hate the whole thing. Getting in and out of the car and perusing through people’s items and listening to people offer less. What? You want a quarter for this? Will you take a dime? Yeah, before you say anything…I get it. My mom is the world’s biggest garage sale person.

And I hate having them for the same reason. I will let you have it for a penny. Just ask. But I would rather you wouldn’t because it is awful enough to sit here and watch people’s faces as they go through my stuff. Ugh.

But my daughter asks me to go with her and so I go. You know, one of those things you just do as a mom.

Was it a stroke? Or not?

I spent several hours the day before Mother’s day in the E.R. My husband had woke up with half his side feeling numb. By the time he got a return phone call from his dr, went to the care center who referred him to the E.R. , most of the day was gone. I kept myself calm by not accepting or thinking about it. Like it wasn’t real. They gave him an EKG, took blood and even xrayed his head in this big scary machine. They wanted to keep him overnight and he refused. So we started him on an aspirin a day, have papers for him to take to his dr., and signed a paper about it being against the dr’s orders.

STILL I can’t deal with it. They said his heartbeat was slow, they said I should be worried “a little” and it could be something like MS, a stroke, a mini stroke, a precurser to a stroke, something called a TIA.

He is my life. I don’t know what to do. What if they decide it was one? What does that mean? What do we do?

I will possess your heart

Anyone heard that Death Cab for Cutie song?  Talk about running through my brain. THREE days straight now. First I heard it on The End and it is stuck in my head. I found it and put it on my MySpace page and it is over 8 minutes long…….

I was talking about music with my 13-year-old. I like just about all kinds of music and don’t like to define myself by one genre. I am not about rock, alternative or punk though I like them all.  I thought I didn’t like country but found myself enamored with the Dixie Chicks. I told my daughter that if she could learn something from me it was to stay open to the many forms of music. I am 48 and still loving new bands and yeah, I went to Tool last year and loved it.

We watched “Amadeus” last night and I was in awe at how much he was pushing the limits of his time. Thank God we have these talents over the years, each trying to change and redefine what we listen to.

You would think I could learn, eh?

I lived through my older daughter’s teen years. You would think that I learned some THING. That somehow it would be easier. I wouldn’t get so upset. I would be calmer. I could handle the mouth, the attitude, the raging hormones. Yeah, right. Apparently not.

Yesterday was another one of those days. My 13-year-old and I fought. We were both in tears. We couldn’t seem to get through a regular conversation without yelling. Gee, I just can’t wait to see what today holds.

Maybe it will be better. It is that way you know….a roller coaster. One day she is my little girl. One day my nemesis.

I won!

And a Babies R Us gift card at that! 2 guesses who I am spending that on. Yeah, that granddaughter I keep posting about. Who is coming over today!

Wow…so this is what it’s like

Putting your life out there for all to see. Yeah, like I am THAT interesting.

Okay, an online journal. A diary. A place to post personal events. To torment my daughter who will be horrified at the thought that her MOTHER will maybe post details of her life. LOL

Mostly my life these days revolves around family. My husband who I adore. My oldest daughter, engaged and mom to my adorable granddaughter. My teenage daughter who alternates being close to me and pushing me away. And my granddaughter who is, trite as it sounds, the light of my life.

Who knew? How is it that some women are afraid of being grandmas? It is the coolest thing I have experienced in a long, long time.

My granddaughter.

As a fairly new grandparent (she is 15 months old) I am still in awe at the way I feel every time I am around her. My face lights up and when she hugs me I want to cry.  I adore her and fear her parents will ban me or get a restraining order LOL. I pace myself but seriously I could spend every day of the month with her. No one warned me about this. Or did they? I seem to remember my mom muttering something once.

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